


like the holding of hands (like the breaking of glass)

by chansleftchiddy



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Coming Out, Depression, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Lee Taeyong is Whipped, Lee Taeyong-centric, M/M, Mark Lee is a sweetheart, Medical Inaccuracies, Mental Health Issues, Not Beta Read, Title from a Hozier Song, and understandably so, and yeah im projecting with that so what, but only briefly its not a big thing, hyuck and jeno are only briefly mentioned sorry to get your hopes up, its not explicitly stated but tyong is bi, mental illness written by someone mentally ill, pansexual mark lee, taeyong doesn't know if he's experiencing emotions or feverish, we love bi pan solidarity here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:15:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23259019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chansleftchiddy/pseuds/chansleftchiddy
Summary: ‘So, what made you decide to come here today instead of staying home?’‘I don’t know. I guess I just had a moment of clarity or something.’‘A moment of clarity? Could you talk more about that, please?’ She pulled her pen across the page and maintained eye contact until Taeyong broke it.‘The last few days…’ He trailed off, unsure of himself. ‘They haven’t been good. I mean- they never really are but these ones especially.’‘And why is that?’ Sarah asked with a lowered voice.Taeyong took a moment. ‘I tried to drown myself on Tuesday.’ He scrunched up his lips and directed his line of sight to the anti-smoking awareness poster stuck to the wall.‘I see.’Taeyong has suffered from depression for years and admits himself to a hospital's psych ward after a failed suicide attempt in hopes of recovering.In there, he meets Mark, who shows him that life doesn't have to always be so polarized.
Relationships: Mark Lee/Lee Taeyong
Comments: 2
Kudos: 52





	like the holding of hands (like the breaking of glass)

**Author's Note:**

> hi there!  
> just a heads up that this fic is all based on the experiences of myself, my friends that have been through mental health facilities/care, and extensive online research and that it should not be used as a reliable source of information!!  
> some moments in this are almost directly ripped from my life and memories while others are completely constructed and fictional!
> 
> there is also mention of rape in a flashback (in italics). it is very short and non-graphic but please be careful and take caution if that is something that triggers you! look after yourself.  
> there are also two scenes where mark is shown to be struggling with schizophrenic episodes and the second one is slightly more detailed than the first one!
> 
> \--------------------------------------  
> title: "wasteland, baby!" - hozier (from the "wasteland, baby!" album)

Taeyong walked up the reception desk with shaky hands that repeatedly flexed over the straps on his backpack. A woman behind the desk - _with the nametag “Lisa”_ \- smiled up at him from her seat kindly and asked if she could help him.

‘Hi-’ He grimaced lightly when his voice cracked. ‘I’m here for the uh-’ He swallowed. ‘I want to die? Yeah.’ He looked down at the scuffs on his shoes then back up at Lisa when she started to speak.

‘Oh. Oh okay, what’s your name honey?’

‘Lee Taeyong.’

‘And how old are you?’

‘Seventeen.’

Her nails clicked against the plastic keys as she made note of his details. ‘Taeyong, have you hurt yourself in any way or made an attempt before coming here?’

He shook his head. ‘Not today.’

Yeri nodded and printed out some sheets of paper for him to fill out and sign before directing him to the seats across the room with a gentle smile. He took his place among the hard plastic seats where the occasional patient would give him a second glance. He flicked through the pages and briefly considered signing them and handing them over without reading more than the subheadings. 

He made his way through the questions methodically, trying to quiet the steady thrum of panic that made itself present in his stomach, until he could hand them back to the desk.

Time after that seemed to blur into one. He met a man who was supposed to watch him and make sure that he didn’t get himself into any trouble or hurt himself, he met more people who took blood and urine samples and he had his bag taken along with his clothes that were replaced by a set of cloth scrubs that itched his skin and smelt like chlorine. He was eventually bumped into a small room that was minimally decorated and had two large chairs sitting across from another single one, all of them looking varying levels of uncomfortable and equal shades of ugly. The woman that stood to greet him from the single chair had mousy brown hair and a crooked bottom tooth that showed itself when she smiled. 

‘Good afternoon, my name is Sarah. I presume that you are Taeyong?’ Her head tilted to the right side lightly and Taeyong couldn’t tell if it comforted him or made him more nervous. He nodded his head, a sharp and aborted movement. Sarah gestured for him to take a seat in one of the heinously colored green chairs. He gingerly perched himself on the edge of the cushion and crossed his legs at the ankle underneath. Sarah shifted some papers and opened the notebook on her lap up to a new page. ‘I’m just going to take some notes, alright?’ 

‘About what?’

‘Anything that either stands out or might be important later.’ She quickly scribbled the date and time on the top of the page. ‘So, what made you decide to come here today instead of staying home?’

‘I don’t know. I guess I just had a moment of clarity or something.’

‘A moment of clarity? Could you talk more about that, please?’ She pulled her pen across the page and maintained eye contact until Taeyong broke it. 

‘The last few days…’ He trailed off, unsure of himself. ‘They haven’t been good. I mean- they never really are but these ones especially.’

‘And why is that?’ Sarah asked with a lowered voice.

Taeyong took a moment. ‘I tried to drown myself on Tuesday.’ He scrunched up his lips and directed his line of sight to the anti-smoking awareness poster stuck to the wall.

‘I see.’ Sarah’s voice had risen in pitch significantly and he felt a sizeable twang of guilt for making her worry.

Taeyong hummed and dropped his head.

‘I didn’t do it right. I didn’t take enough of the sleeping pills, melatonin or whatever so I woke up when I started choking on the bathwater. I panicked and got out. I threw up and spent a while on the floor, simply vibing.’ He pinched his thumbs and middle fingers together to make a zen hand symbol. 

This went on for a while, Sarah would ask a question and Taeyong would answer; pushing himself to be honest because it was in his best interest.

‘Where do you think this fear came from?’

‘I was in a relationship when I was younger. His friends didn’t like me so…’ His throat tightened up.

‘So?’

‘I’m sorry. I- don’t think I can- I’m-’ 

_Fingers dug themselves into the roots of Taeyong’s hair and pulled, eliciting another yelp from his throat. A solid hand covered his mouth and nose while a voice growled into his ear._

_‘Stay quiet or they’ll see us. You don’t want that do you? Strangers seeing you in a dark alley with other men. Tsk. What would they think?’ The voice chuckled and more joined in. Taeyong screamed until a fist hit his cheek and a palm wrapped around his neck, crushing his windpipe._

_‘What did I just say?’_

‘It’s okay, Taeyong. You don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to. I think we’re just about out of time here anyway.’

Taeyong took a shuddering breath.

‘Is there anything else you want to mention or ask me?’

He shook his head and Sarah moved to open the door for him. ‘Okay, in that case, I’ll just ask you to wait in the waiting room around the corner from here. The one with the brown coffee tables. There should be a team member in blue waiting there for you.’

‘Thanks.’

Sarah smiled. ‘Nice meeting you, Taeyong. Take it easy.’

‘Thank you. You too. Bye.’ His hand jerked up in an odd mockery of a wave.

‘Goodbye.’

The door closed behind him and he wandered down the halls until he found the described waiting room, staff member and all. He whispered a greeting and crossed his hospital-issued sock-clad feet under himself. He didn’t know how long he was going to be there so he prepared himself for the long game, receding into his own thoughts to the sound of the clock ticking next to the TV screen mounted on the wall.

‘Lee Taeyong?’ chimed a gentle voice that was accompanied by a knock of knuckles against the plasterboard walls. Taeyong sat up straighter from where his body had curved itself into the crevices and creases of the worn armchair. ‘We’re ready for you. If you could just come with me that would be great.’

He hefted himself out into a standing position and stumbled the initial first step until he was plodding along behind the nurse with light feet through the cold hallways and into another office. He was given more forms to sign and asked to consent to treatment voluntarily until he was escorted out again and down more winding and increasingly identical halls. His stomach was in his throat as the worker swiped their card to unlock and open a set of heavy grey doors. The scanner beeped loudly and a heavy click echoed lightly until the doors could be pushed open. 

The odd combination of cleaning products and floral air freshener wafted into his nose so strongly that if the muscles in his body weren’t already tensed he would have flinched. 

He gets bumped around between different people, signs more papers and has some of his belongings returned to him, including the new addition of a small bag of courtesy toiletries and his clothes. He was moved into a small first aid office and asked to disclose any and all self-harm wounds. His hands shook as he pushed aside different hems of the floral clothing and he could feel two pairs of cold eyes on his arms, on his shoulders, his hips, thighs, and ankles. He dedicates almost half of his mental capacity to ensuring that he doesn’t throw up on his hospital socks from the nerves that are shaking in his stomach. The nurse that brought him into the ward takes him on a short tour of the halls, dipping into the different rooms and giving him a rundown of the rules. Taeyong’s eyes drifted over the people that milled around and they looked back at him, some smiling at him more than others.

A pair of boys came skidding around the corner, both giggling as one of them put his hand on the wall next to him in a vain attempt to stop his right side from being crunched against it before stumbling and breaking into a light sprint again.

‘Boys; do we have to do this every day?! No running!’ The nurse reprimanded them as they disappeared down the corridor behind them.

‘Sorry, Juli!’

‘Sorry, Juli! Won’t happen again!’ Their laughter echoed and bounced off the plasterboard walls.

‘Like hell it won’t.’ The nurse muttered lightheartedly.

Taeyong is shown to his room and told that because of the time he arrived there isn’t much wait until dinner for the night so he can choose to do what he wants with his time. He shuffles out of the too-thin and too-scratchy scrubs and back into his own well-worn shirts and dark sweatpants, the long-sleeved undershirt providing him some additional defense against the chilly air that circulates the hospital. He swaps out the grip-soled socks for a pair of thin pink cat ones and takes a seat on his assigned bed. The mattress is thin and the sheets rustle loudly under his crossed legs but he didn’t let it bother him.

Now that he had been left to his own devices, Taeyong could feel his heart rate begin to pick up again and his breathing shallow. His palms and the soles of his feet started to sweat as he thought about how he had just spent the last two hours getting himself locked up in the medical version of a maximum-security prison. He grabs tightly at the silver strands of his hair. He had willingly put himself into a real-life version of 1984 and he would have no privacy for God knows how long. He was-

‘Oh- hi! You’re the new kid! I saw you before.’ An eager voice came from the doorway. One of the boys from before stood under the frame with a bright but shy smile. ‘My name’s Mark. I’m your roommate.’ He bowed lightly. ‘Nice to meet you.’

Taeyong was struck by the boy’s appearance. His hair, while somewhat ruffled, was a gentle brown color and the cupie curls that it fell into gave him an even stronger aura of youth. He was the picture of teenage languor at that moment, his mismatched socks, Spider-Man branded pajama pants, golden round glasses that framed bruise-purple bags under his eyes and the loose-fitting peach sweater that made him look smaller than what he must be. A light flush accented his cheekbones and the ridge of his nose.

Taeyong snapped out his stupor and quickly pulled himself together, standing to bow back to the other boy and almost stumble over his rushed out greeting.

He silently cursed himself for his mild gay panic as the other dropped himself onto the bed against the other wall.

‘How old are you?’

‘Seventeen.’

‘Ahh.’ Mark hummed. ‘I’m sixteen, so that means you’re my hyung then. Can I call you that?’

Taeyong was mildly shocked by the younger’s forwardness but was willing to let it slide. He was endearing.

‘Sure, yeah.’ 

He smiled brightly. ‘What are you in here for?’

‘Oh, uhh…’

‘It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me. I’ll go first.’ He cleared his throat and shuffled from his horizontal position on his bed. ‘I have undifferentiated schizophrenia and I’m in here for a rather extreme break. I freaked out and then my parents freaked out so they put me in here for a long term stay.’

‘Long term? That’s... vague.’

‘It is, it is. It’s been two and a half weeks already and I don’t know when I’ll be out. One day it’ll happen though and I can go back to my video games.’

He spoke with such nonchalance about himself and Taeyong felt something that he could only describe as a rush of envy. He wished that he could speak about his own issues without this obvious swell of clawing guilt inside him.

He opened his mouth and hesitated. ‘I’m here voluntarily. I tried to drown myself. A few days ago.’

‘Mm. Correct me if I’m wrong but it looks like it didn’t work.’

Taeyong snorted lightly and looked up to make brief eye contact.

‘It really didn’t.’ 

The two fall into a comfortable silence for a few moments.

‘S’pretty shit, isn’t it?’

Taeyong snapped his head back to face Mark.

‘What?’

‘Y’know, this. _Very_ not excellent.’ He pressed the edge of his bitten fingernail tightly against his right temple. 

Taeyong couldn’t help but laugh, shoulders shaking.

‘Yeah, yeah I suppose you’re right.’

Mark smiled a lopsided smile that held traces of bitterness behind its spritely facade. Only then did Taeyong understand his disposition.

  
  


Five thirty arrived and dinner came and went. The two boys sat together as they filled out their meal cards for the next day along with a sheet detailing how they were feeling that day and medications were distributed under the watchful eyes of the nurses that observed them from across the room. That was the most unnerving part for Taeyong, coming from a place where he was rarely looked at for more than a glance outside of the experience of a conversation; to end up in a place where he could feel eyes boring into him everywhere he went.

  
  


A series of sharp knocks were delivered to the open door, calling the boys to wake the following day. They groggily made their way through their morning routines, giggling when one would bump into something or trip over his own feet.

Breakfast for Taeyong and Mark were matching plates of toast with a light sheen of jam, applied with the back of a disposable spoon. They swallowed their respective capsules of Symbyax and Sarafem were joined by a small collection of other boys - one of which identified himself as Donghyuck, who had been haphazardly skidding through the halls with Mark when Taeyong had arrived.

For the first time in a long time, Taeyong finally felt like things weren’t going to be as bad as usual.

***

Three days after Taeyong arrived, it was Garden Day. 

The staff members had rounded up the group of teenagers and herded them outside, through the winding halls and locked security doors and eventually into the small courtyard and playground area at the base of the hospital.

The group quickly dispersed and spread out across the area, Taeyong trailing behind Mark in mild apprehension. The younger boy moved in a way that was almost _rehearsed_ until he dropped suddenly to his knees, then forward onto his chest. 

Facedown and limbs spread out like a tree topper.

‘Uh… Are you okay?’ Taeyong inquired, voice high.

‘I’m great.’ Mark’s voice was muffled by the grass. He lifted his arm off the ground at a weird angle so that it was pointed in the general direction of the elder. ‘Come lie with me. The grass is warm.’ 

He wiggled his fingers until he felt Taeyong sit down gently next to him. ‘Well, that was easy.’

‘Hey! At least I don’t look like a bleached starfish.’

Mark sat up with a mock-offended look on his face and flung an arm out to punch Taeyong in the shoulder.

‘Hyung~! That’s mean!’

More time passed than they were aware as they smiled at each other. 

Mark flopped back down, breaking eye contact and curled his arms under his head to act as make-shift pillows. Taeyong observed him for a moment longer before reclining so that he was looking up at the sky.

The suns rays warmed his face quickly and covered his body like a blanket, and the short texture of the grass prickled the back of his neck and the skin of his hands, grounding him as he alternated between closing his eyes and gazing up at the way the clouds curled and stretched across the sky. He wondered about how it would feel to touch one of them, up there in the atmosphere.

He could hear some of the other patients nearby. He could hear footsteps muffled by the grass and mindless chatter. _So how about this weather, huh?_ The clicking of dice rolling or plastic playing pieces from a board game.

The smell of dirt and earth enveloped him and combined in the back of his throat with the lingering taste of ice cream from earlier and Taeyong wondered how much time he had left.

‘Hey.’

‘Hey yourself.’

‘I’m gay.’

Taeyong rolled over.

‘What?’

Mark sat up, a strange look on his face. Like a combination of nerves and rigidness.

‘I’m gay. Well- not _gay_ but pan. Gay is an umbrella term for me. I’m pansexual. Pan.’ His eyes darted around. ‘Yeah.’

This was the least-chill state Taeyong had seen the other in. Sure, the other was messy with his words sometimes but not like this.

‘I don’t know what that is.’

‘Oh okay. Uh… It means that someone’s gender identity doesn't impact my attraction to them. It's just another part of them for me to like about them regardless.’

‘Oh. Cool. Thanks for trusting me with that then.’

‘Honesty is the best policy, y’know.’ Mark relaxed back into the grass once more, feeling lighter than he had before.

***

Swelling music sounded from the tinny built-in speakers of the small television set as Anna turned to ice on screen.

‘Poor thing,’ Mark murmured lowly as he leaned over into Taeyong’s personal bubble from his spot on one of the couches. ‘Frozen with fear.’

Taeyong felt his eyebrows raise impossibly high and lifted a hand to pinch at the bridge of his nose, chest shaking with a rattling sigh that quickly fell into a laugh. Mark clapped a hand tightly over his own mouth to stifle himself but failed when the two made eye contact. 

Taeyong rocked forward and broke down into wheezing chuckles and Mark followed soon after, oblivious to the reactions of those around them.

‘Do you two need to leave? Others are trying to watch the film.’ One nurse reprimanded.

They both coughed out choked excuses of apologies and tried to settle back into the movie, a sharp exhale of laughter through the nose from one party setting off some in the other and they would fight to maintain some semblance of composure. Their grins matching and making up for the lack of light in the room.

***

The day had started off rough for Mark; feeling bugs running under his skin and hands prodding at his back; but Taeyong seeing him sit on the couch, guitar in hand, it was almost like nothing had ever happened.

The way that they sat huddled on the floor together as Mark cried as the ants made their ways through his sinuses and across his face was momentarily washed away as the ward gathered around him and watched as he plucked and strummed at the steel strings.

_All the fear and the fire_

_Of the end of the world_

_Happens each time a boy falls in love with a girl_

_Happens grace_

_Happens sweet_

_Happily, I'm unfazed here, too_

Even though Taeyong didn’t understand what he’s saying he couldn’t help as his chest to bloomed in adoration when he watched the younger croon gently. 

The picture that Mark painted between his melodious voice and the contrast of the brown guitar against his off white colored hoodie was one of tranquility. The cold cloak of heaviness that had lingered over Taeyong’s body for the previous few days became a little bit lighter as the other boy got further through the song.

He thought back to the conversations that they had had together of the time that they had spent together. Mark’s insomnia and fear of sleep-related medication and the bags that ensued from the combination, the nice girl that had asked Taeyong to braid her hair after seeing him do it for someone else, how Mark used to go to pilates classes with his mom when he was fifteen and why he vehemently defends the morning stretches with 80’s music they all do, how Taeyong got so good as Mario Kart and Trials Frontier after years of competitive playing against his friends. 

It had been two weeks since they’d met but to them, it felt like longer. 

_And the stance of the sea_

_And the absence of green_

_Are the death of all things that I've seen and unseen_

_Are men but the start of all things that are left to do?_

Mark looked up and smiled radiantly at him and Taeyong’s chest felt tight, his cheeks were flushed and his body was running warm like he had a fever. He wondered if he’d picked up a cold from someone else in the ward. 

***

Taeyong didn’t get to see Mark when he left.

The younger had woken up from a nightmare screaming and shaking as he banged on the door, demanding and pleading to be let out. Taeyong sat up and pressed himself against the wall behind his bed with his knees up. He didn’t know how to help when Mark had an episode so he could only hope that one of the nurses would be there soon when the brunette started dry heaving and swinging tightly-clenched, messy fists. 

The door swung open and Mark stumbled back, breathing shallow and flushed red from his face to his chest. A tired-looking nurse gently bundled him into her tight embrace while another one gave him a small injection in his upper arm.

He was removed from the room and a third staff member told Taeyong to go back to sleep, and that the other would be fine.

The beginnings of the day crept in through the window, casting dark shadows on whatever the orange light didn’t hit. 

  
  


Taeyong sat alone on this side of the table for breakfast. The other boys, Jeno and Donghyuck frowned lightly when Taeyong told them what had happened. They had heard him screaming from their rooms. _We all have bad days every now and then._ _I’m sure he’ll be okay._

Taeyong hoped that they were right.

  
  


When he re-packed his bag and was escorted out to meet his parents his eyes scoured the halls for Mark. Even with the handmade goodbye cards from the friends he’d made along the way, he found that they would all pale in comparison to one from him. 

At 10am the heavy metal doors swung closed behind Taeyong and his parents rushed to him, wrapping him up in a series of tight hugs and ready to take him home.

***

Taeyong methodically filtered through the stack of books on the counter in front of him, seeing what ones needed to be removed from the store and what ones should stay. Hours had passed and the day had aged into shadows of what it once was and weariness had settled itself into the bones of Taeyong and his coworkers at the bookstore.

Taeyong sighed languidly, turned around and leaned back over the countertop to crack his back for the third time that hour.

He watched as people walked past the front of the store, going about their business. Some looked like they were going out for an early dinner and some looked like they were on their way home from their daily office job. 

One figure, in particular, caught Taeyong’s eye though.

Stopped out the font, phone in one hand and pink reusable Starbucks cup in the other was a shy-looking boy with gentle brown cupie curls, golden round glasses and an oversized teal sweater that made him look smaller than he was. 

_Mark_.

Taeyong spun himself around and quickly maneuvered his way out from the precariously structured towers of books behind the desk and out the door, the sound of the bell dinging aggressively covering the confused shouts of his coworkers. 

One hand gripped the wooden doorframe and Taeyong could feel his heart beating out of his chest as he called out for ‘Mark!’

Mark’s head snapped up and he looked around until he made wide eye contact with the elder. 

A beat of silence as they stared at each other, the late afternoon sun warm on their faces.

Mark’s head tilted to the side ever-so-slightly and he smiled the same smile that Taeyong thinks of when Hozier plays over the bookstores stereo. 

  
_‘Hyung_.’

**Author's Note:**

> you made it! welcome to the end!
> 
> mark is based off two people in my life. one of them was diagnosed with schizophrenia at a very young age and was kind enough to share some of their experiences with me.  
> the other is someone who has always supported me when i have been in times of need and has never asked for anything in return despite the amount of strain that i have put on them time and time again. they have saved my life several times without even knowing it and i will owe them for that until the earth collapses.
> 
> please take care of yourself and those around you.  
> even if it's just a little thing, a small word of compassion goes a long way and can make someone's day.


End file.
